I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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