He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
