Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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