The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My vagina is very pro this idea
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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