someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
We need to get me chipped asap
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
