I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
