Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
