What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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