Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
