whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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