At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
