I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
