what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
