Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
