Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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