Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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