You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
