I just threw up on my dentist
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
