my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
