why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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