i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Can you bring me the toilet please
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
