dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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