it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
