When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
