She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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