I like to think it a success when the cops are called
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
