Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
