some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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