Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
