you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
