i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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