I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
