Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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