I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
