I think I won the penis lottery.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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