I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
