I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
