Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
