you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
