No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
