We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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