WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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