i was rollin on her like bob the builder
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
you had me at cake vodka
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
