This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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