hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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