I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
