Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
