Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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