You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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