My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
