Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
