I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
