don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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