3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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