you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
